Classic actors are now often pushed into small parts and lame roles to make ends meet. Seagal has done the same. Crappy straight-to-DVD movies and bit parts (his Executive Decision role didn’t even make it into the second act) have been cringe-worthy. But now Steven Seagal is making a big comeback… and this is your heads up. Pay attention, because before you know it Steven may knock you out with a front kick! Here are a few facts about Mr. Seagal:

• He’s a 7^th Dan and Shihan (Master) in Aikido; this means he can really kick some ass
• He’s a master marksman in pistol shooting and trains the police. He can also shoot the head off a cotton bud at 50 paces. This means he can kick ass, then shoot you in the ass should you manage to run
• He currently has his own aftershave called Scent of Action
• He has over 20 movies to his credit, grossing over two billion dollars
• He’s currently helping to train Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Both men respectively sealed their recent wins with one shot kicks modified by Seagal
• He’s fat, he can’t really act, and he runs like a girl. But he most definitely kicks ass!

And here go the films

7. The Glimmer Man

Seagal fatness – 4/5 Seagal pony-tail – 3/5

Director: John Gray
Cast: Steven Seagal, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Bob Gunton, Brian Cox, John M. Jackson, Michelle Johnson, Stephen Tobolowsky, Peter Jason, Ryan Cutrona, Richard Gant, Johnny Strong, Robert Mailhouse, Jesse Stock, Alexa Vega, Nikki Cox
Year: 1996

Written by Kevin Brodbin (Constantine), Seagal plays Lt. Jack Cole on the trail of a serial killer nutcase called The Family Man, who murders his victims primarily by crucifixion. Seagal (now with a few extra pounds) is known as The Glimmer Man. As a former government intelligence operative, Cole slips into the shadows; people only see a glimmer before they are taken down. When Cole and his partner, (Keenen Ivory Wayans), discover the latest victims are Cole’s ex-wife and new partner, Cole becomes a suspect and his fingerprints are found on the body

Out to clear his name, Cole uncovers a conspiracy involving high-class businessmen, Russian terrorists, and chemical weapons. A well directed movie with a good support cast makes this tale of murder and corruption an enjoyable watch. The spooky serial killer and crimes couldn’t compete with Se7en by David Fincher (released the year before), but this is still definitely worth a watch

6. On Deadly ground

Seagal fatness – 3/5 Seagal pony-tail – 3/5

Director: Steven Seagal
Cast: Steven Seagal, Michael Caine, Joan Chen, John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, Shari Shattuck, Billy Bob Thornton, Richard Hamilton, Chief Irvin Brink, Apanguluk Charlie Kairaiuak, Elsie Pistolhead, John Trudell, Mike Starr, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Jules Desjarlais
Year: 1994

Directed by Seagal himself, this environmentally friendly film has undertones questioning why man is such a butcher by nature. A fantastic cast includes Michael Caine, John C. McGinley, Billy Bob Thornton, R. Lee Emery and Joan Chen. Evil oil baron Michael Jennings (Michael Caine) is ruining Alaska with plans for a new refinery. Forrest Taft (Seagal) is working for him, realises his wrong-doing ways, and tries to stop him. Jennings doesn’t take this well and decides to blow Forrest up, but the hit goes wrong and he survives (fools! You can’t kill Steven Seagal!)

Forrest is found by Eskimos and nursed back to health whilst the baron (who by this point has lost his American accent) tries to build his new refinery. Can Forrest stop him? Can Forrest make the baron realise the error of his ways? How many more cute animals will need to die? If you watch On Deadly ground for what it is, it’s quite enjoyable. The action is good and the body count is high considering the movie is about saving the planet. Good job Steven

5. Hard to Kill

Seagal fatness – 1/5 Seagal pony-tail – 1/5

Director: Bruce Malmuth
Cast: Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler, Frederick Coffin, Bonnie Burroughs, Andrew Bloch, Branscombe Richmond, Charles Boswell, Zachary Rosencrantz, Lou Beatty Jr., Nick DeMauro, Nick Corello, Justin De Rosa, Stanley Brock, Evan James
Year: 1990

Seagal plays Mason Storm, possibly the best hard bloke name ever. Mason is rumbled whilst spying on the local mafia. We hear of a plane taking off carrying a Senator which they plan to blow up. Mason leaves and out from the shadows steps Senator Vernon Trent (the brilliant William Sadler). He wants rid of his rival so that he wins the election. After Mason breaks a man’s leg and throws some more bad guys around in a grocery store, he goes home and surprises his wife with a bottle of champagne. All seems well but soon the bad guys are at his house and Mason and his wife are shot; but his little boy gets away

Skip to seven years later: Mason is in a coma sporting a rather silly beard. Luckily for him he is being looked after a very sexy nurse (and his real-life wife) Kelly LeBrock. Mason wakes and finds out his wife was killed and is soon reunited with his kid only to find out that Senator Vernon Trent is now running the show with his goons. Mason begins a tale of revenge and justice the only way Seagal knows how

Here's a few posts you might like...

Like this piece? Share it!